After yet another year of hiatus....

A recall of 2015:

It seems like it was yet another year, filled with regrets that I wished I could turn around. More often than not, we have this battle with the brain and the heart and people around influence you.

2015 has nothing much to mention but I shall still write on some notable things I want to remember.

Umm.. As mentioned in my earlier post, I got my full performance bonus this year without having any burdens to pay off my tuition loans. I had paid it off fully somewhere in May 2014. So that meant I had my full PB and no major expenses to pay for. Awesome-ness!

Well being the thrifty person I am, I am not one to splurge on brands and exquisite stuff. I did buy myself stuff, pampered myself with food and clothes deemed affordable to reasonable. The power of spending is really SHIOK!

Apart from that, this is one year that really stressed me out with the match-making drama. It's not that I do not want to get married. But I am taking aback when it comes to talking about it and having to make a decision. Sometimes I wonder if I have too high expectations...but no, I think I am just confused. - confused of what I am, what I want and what to expect.

I feel so much like taking a leapt into a canal with no end to be seen. I need too much blind faith to do it. I wish people around me could read my mind without having me to voice it out. 

I want them to know that I am totally fine with all this matchmaking scene, but take it slow. Too fast and furious makes me wanna turn around and run to a place with no one. Free to live and breathe. 

I should mention that me being me, working where I am, and everything about me.... I have lost confidence and faith that I am a person worthy of love and care and affection. If I don't love myself enough, how can I possibly find someone who will. Honestly, my job makes me feel like I am not doing myself any favour. I look down on myself and hate introducing myself it has to involve saying where I work. 

You may ask, amidst all this, why am I still here? I am. Year in and out, I wanna leave. I wanna quit. I wanna be elsewhere carving the big C for career. But I am unable to. You have got no idea how I have been receiving 0 calls for the resumes I have sent out. 

It is not just disappointing but it adds points to the point that I am worthless and no one wants to hire me. Its just the thoughts that is enough to break you, to crumble your soul to ashes. 

Amidst my unhappy job and job scope, it is my colleagues at work truly make it bearable. I tell myself that this should not stop me from finding other jobs, but even then I really am unable to. 

May God lead me on the right path.